My little pony simpsons the cartridge family

My first Mlp Eqg Fanfiction

ACT ONE
(It's sunny day in the human world where The Apple Family watch TV. A commercial comes on. A man barbeques a soccer ball, and throws it towards the camera. with Scootaloo)

Man: Open wide for some soccer!

(Several soccer clips follow, with a voice over.)

Tv Announcer: The Continental Soccer Association is coming to Canterlot! It's all here - fast-kicking, low scoring, and ties? You bet!.

Scootaloo: Hey Big Mac, how come you've never taken us to see a soccer game?

Big Mac: I... don't know.

Tv Announcer: You'll see all your favorite soccer stars. Like Adiaga! Adiaga two! Badiaga! Aruglia! And Pizzoza!

Big Mac: Oh, I've never heard of those people.

Tv Announcer: And they'll all be signing autographs.

Big Mac: Woohoo!

Tv Announcer: This match will determine once and for all which nation is the greatest on earth - Mexico or Portugal!

Applejack, Applebloom and Scootaloo: Can we go Bro, please Big mac, Please Bro, can we go Big Mac huh, huh, please?

Big Mac: Yes, yes! Oh god, yes!!

(The Apple Family arrive at the soccer stadium.)

Big Mac: Oh, I'll kill myself if Portugal doesn't win.

Granny Smith: It's hard to believe this used to be an internment camp.

Scootaloo: Yo, Paella man! Wing one up here!

(The man throws her a bowl of paella, and Scootaloo manages to catch it. Applebloom notices Pele walking onto the pitch)

Applebloom: Hey look! It's Pele!

Pele: Pele is king of the soccer field. To be king of your kitchen, use Crestfield wax paper.

(He is handed a bag of money and walks off. The game starts, and the crowd cheers. The Mexican team kicks off, and pass it between them, again and again... and again... The crowd becomes quiet.)

Big Mac: Boring!

Clown: Come on, you schnorrers, do something!

News Anchor: (in a commentary booth, bored) Half back passes to the center back to the wing, back to the center. Center holds it. Holds it. Holds it...

Mexican Commentor: (excitedly) Half back passes to center, back to wing, back to center! Center holds it! Holds it! Holds it!!

Micro Chips: I can't bear this any longer, I'm leaving.

Flash Sentry: Yeah, not before me you ain't.

Captain Planet: Now, now, there's plenty of exits for everyone!.

Flash Sentry: Oh, that's it, you're dead, pal! (puts him in a headlock)

Principal Celestia: Hey now, that's uncalled for.

Bon Bon: Shut your hole, Celestia!.

(She punches Celestia, knocking her into Berry Shine, spilling her tray of apple cider. Berry Shine gets mad, and dives headfirst into the people fighting, knocking them over. A scotsman and his friends watch from nearby.)

Scotsman: Ach! You call this a soccer riot? Come on, boys, let's take 'em to school!

(The Scots join the fighting, and the riot escalates.)

Granny Smith: Big Mac we've got to get out of here!

Big Mac: But I wanna do some rioting! (he pushes one of the Scotsmen)

Scotsman: (turns to face Big Mac screaming) Jobbers cognots, ya mucker!

Big Mac: All done!

(The family run off. Outside, the whole town has engaged in the riot.)

(The Apple Family watch the TV news.)

News Anchor: What began as a traditional soccer riot, has escalated into a city-wide orgy of destruction. (He ducks to avoid something being thrown at him.) Reacting swiftly, The Mayor has declared "mob rule", so, for the next several years, it's every family for itself.

(a Burglar walks out of Captain planet's house with a television set.)

Captain Planet: Excuse me sir, I think you've got my TV. Sir!

Applebloom: Somebody's got to stop them!

Applejack: Everybody do something!

Scootaloo: Let's wait until they burn the school down!

Granny Smith: Oh my god! Big Mac, they're right next door!

Big Mac: Relax, Granny, if someone tries to get in here, my burglar alarm will let us know.

(Big Mac indicates a contraption by the front door. A fishing line attached to the door holds an alarm clock above a goldfish bowl. Somebody tries the door handle. Granny Smith gasps.)

Big Mac: (relaxed) Watch the fish, Granny.

(A hand reaches through the mail slot and grabs the fish.)

Granny Smith: D'oh!...

(Big Mac decides to get some better security. He calls out a man from "Ex-Con Security".)

Salesman: Looks like you called me just in time. (He pockets several things from the living room.) This home isn't secure at all.

Big Mac: What did I tell ya, Granny?

Salesman: Intruders could come down the chimney, through the mail slot, even hidden in your groceries. Did you change the locks when you moved in? I thought not. All the previous owners of this house could still be in here somewhere. Granny Smith: What do you recommend? Salesman: Well, a lot of companies would put in a pretty system that looks good, but doesn't provide any real protection. Big Mac: Oh, let's get that. Salesman:...But if you want to sleep easy at night, I recommend sealing off every door and window with bullet-proof Lucite. Granny Smith: Wouldn't we all suffocate? Salesman: (laughing) Well, I should hope not. Big Mac: Let's get that - the suffocation thing. Salesman: And you can have it all for only five hundred dollars. Big Mac: 500$ dollars? Aw, forget it.

(He pushes the salesman to the door.) Salesman: But surely, you can't put a price on your family's lives? Big Mac: I wouldn't have thought so either, but here we are. (he closes the door) Granny Smith: Big Mac, we need something to prtect this family.

(Cut to a gun store.)

Big Mac: I'd like to buy your deadliest gun, please.

Clerk: Aisle six, next to the "sympathy" cards.

ACT TWO
(Big Mac is looking at the guns. He picks up an unloaded handgun, points it at the clerk, and pulls the trigger several times.)

Clerk: Whoa! Careful there, Annie Oakley.

Big Mac: I don't have to be careful, I got a gun.

(The clerk takes the gun, then holds up several items in succession.)

Clerk: Well, you'll probably want the accessory kit. Holster...

Big Mac: Oh, yeah.

Clerk: Bandoleer. Big Mac: Baby. Clerk: Silencer. Big Mac: Mm-hmm. Clerk: Loudener. Big Mac: Oh... Clerk: Speed-cocker. Big Mac: Ooh, I like the sound of that! Clerk: (holding up a huge weapon) And this is for shooting down police helicopters. Big Mac: Oh, I don't need anything like that... yet... Just give me my gun.

(He tries to take the gun.) Clerk: I'm sorry, but the law requires a five-day waiting period. We've got to run a background check. Big Mac: Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun. Clerk: Yeah, well you don't.

(Big Mac walks out of the store, muttering.)

Big Mac: Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, well if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two. (At home that night, he is still muttering, as he paces up and down the hallway.) Let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...

Applejack: Bro, it's 3 a.m. Can't you mutter in your room?

Big Mac: Granny Smith kicked me out

Applejack: (groaning) Oh... all right, go ahead.

Big Mac: (still muttering) Pushy kids, think they can tell me what to do in my house, well I tell you, parents these days, they don't know how to rear children...

(The next morning, Big Mac sits out on the lawn in a deck chair.)

Big Mac: Oh, how am I supposed to last five days without shooting something?

(He watches as a "Target Superstores" van, a line of ducks, a line of rabbits, Blueberry Cake & Cherry Crash on a bicycle and Captain Planet on his ride-on mower pass him. Captain Planet passes twice.)

(Soon, the five days has passed. Big Mac waits impatiently outside the gun store.)

Big Mac: Come on, come on, open up!

(The gun salesman opens the shop, and Big Mac rushes inside to go to the toilet.)

Big Mac: Ah! That's the stuff! (He comes back out into the store.) Now, I believe you have some sort of firearm for me.

Clerk: (picking up a large wad of paper) Well, let's see here. According to your background check, you've been in a mental institution...

Big Mac: Yeah.

Clerk: Frequent problems with alcohol...

Big Mac: Oh heh heh, yeah.

Clerk: You beat up President Bush!

Big Mac: Former President.

(The clerk stamps the paper.)

Big Mac: "Potentially dangerous"?

Clerk: Relax, that just limits you to three handguns or less.

Big Mac: Woo hoo!

(Big Mac arrives back home.)

Big Mac: Close your eyes, Granny, I have a surprise for you!

Granny Smith: Oh!

Big Mac: Okay, open you're eyes!

(We see Granny Smith's perspective as she opens her eyes to see Big Mac pointing the gun straight at her.)

Granny Smith: Aaah!

Big Mac: It's a handgun! Isn't it great? This is the trigger, and this is the thing you point at whatever you want to die--

Granny Smith: Big Mac, I don't want guns in my house. get rid that weapon right now!.

Big Mac: Ah come on Granny!

Applejack: That would have made a lot more sense...

Scootaloo: Hey Big Mac, can I borrow the gun tomorrow? I want to scare that old security guard at the bank.

Big Mac: Only if you have 18 years old.

Scootaloo: Aw darn it!.

Granny Smith: No! No one's using this gun! The TV said you're 58% more likely to shoot a family member than an intruder!

Big Mac: TV said that? But I have to have a gun! It's in the Constitution!

Applebloom: Bro! The Second Amendment is just a remnant from revolutionary days. It has no meaning today!

Big Mac: You couldn't be more wrong, Sis. If I didn't have this gun, the King of England could just walk in here any time he wants, and start shoving you around. (he starts pushing Applebloom) Do you want that? Huh? Do you?

Applebloom: No...

Big Mac: All right then.

(He reaches for the gun.)

Granny Smith: I'm sorry, Big Mac. No weapons.

Big Mac: A gun is not a weapon, Granny, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or, uh... or an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what - you come with me to an NRA meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

(Big Mac and Granny Smith arrive at the NRA meeting. Two officers security check everyone. Several people walk through a metal detector, making it beep. When Lyra walks through the metal detector and it doesn't beep, she is sent back to get a gun. Inside, Bon Bon stands at the podium, holding a gun.)

Bon Bon: Assault weapons have gotten a lot of bad press lately, but they're manufactured for a reason: to take out today's modern super animals, such as the flying squirrel, and the electric eel.

Big Mac: Learning something, Granny?

Granny Smith: Hmm...

(Flash Sentry approaches the podium.)

Flash Sentry: Uh, hi, I'm Flash S.

Crowd: Hi, Flash.

Flash Sentry: Yeah, so last night I'm Coming to home, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up

(The crowd gasps.)

Watermelody: Whatever did you do, Flash?

Flash Sentry: Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. (crowd applaud) Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp! Ha ha!

(The crowd laugh. Big Mac stands up.)

Big Mac: Hi, I'm Big M.

Crowd: Hi, Mac.

Big Mac: Hi. It seems to me, if a gun can protect something as important as a bar, it's good enough to protect my family. So if you'll have me, I would like to become a lifetime member of your wonderful organization.

(The crowd cheers. Granny Smith grabs Big Mac and pulls him towards her.)

Granny Smith: Big Mac, you can't join up with these gun nuts!

Big Mac: Aw, come on, be fair Granny! For once in your life, be fair!

Granny Smith: Oh...

(Big Mac is at a firing range. He shoots several cans on a wall. Bon Bon points out the targets on the wall to his right. It turns out he was shooting at the snack counter.)

Big Mac: Sorry!

Teenager: My fault!

(Later, Big Mac walks into the Sweet Shoope, twirling his gun on his finger.)

Mrs. Cake: (with her arms in the air) Oh! Don't shoot!

Mr. Cake: (with his arms in the air) Just take the money and get out!

Big Mac: What? Oh, you silly I would never...

(The shot pans up to his brain.)

Big Mac's Brain: Or would I? I've already gone this far. I wonder what my life would be like if I robbed the the Sweet Shoope?

(Big Mac imagines himself sat on a rocking chair outside a mansion, wearing a suit and a monocle. Applejack dances in a bikini next to him. Fade back to reality.)

Big Mac: i 'll do it! I'll rob the Sweet Shoope! All right, put your--

(Big Mac is driving away from the store, with a Cupcake in his hand.)

Big Mac: D'oh! Oh well, I'll rob it next time.

(Big Bac arrives back home.)

Applebloom: Bro can you help me get my ball down from the roof, Please?

Big Mac: Sure, thing sis.

(He fires his pistol at the roof, and a ball drops down, then deflates.)

Big Mac: Want me to get the cat down?

Applebloom: (quickly) No thanks!

(Soon in the backyard, Big Mac practices shooting. Scootaloo throws several plates into the air for Big Mac to fire at.)

Big Mac: Pull!

(Big Mac fires several shots. All hit except for the last one.)

Scootaloo: You missed one, Mac.

Big Mac: See you in Hell, dinner plate!

(He shoots the plate on the ground. Later again, the family eat spaghetti out of baking trays and colanders.)

Granny Smith: Does anyone know where all my dinner plates went?

Scootaloo: Um...

Big Mac: Mmm... you probably left them at work. On another topic, guess who was picked to host the next NRA get together?

(Big Mac indicates himself with his gun.)

Granny Smith: Big Mac, I told you this morning, no guns at the dinner table!

Big Mac: You said the breakfast table!

Granny Smith: It's the same table!!

Big Mac: Listen, if it'll make you feel any better, I'll put the safety on. (he flicks the safety, but the gun still fires) Whoops. Guess it was already on. (he flicks it again, and the gun fires again) Uh, I'd...better just put it down..

(He lays it on the table. Suddenly it fires by itself, and hits a knife. The knife flies through the air and hits a picture of Granny Smith in between her eyes on the wall. The family stare in disbelief.)

Applejack: No offense, Granny, but that was pretty cool.

Granny Smith: Big Mac, I think you'd agree I've had to put up with a lot in this house--

(Big Mac opens his mouth to protest, but sees the girls shaking their heads saying "no" at him.)

Granny Smith: --but this is the first time since we've been married that I've actually feared for our lives. So I'm asking you, if you really care about me and the children, please, please get rid of the gun.

Big Mac: All right, Granny, I'll do it. For you.

Granny Smith: (hugging him) I'm a lucky woman.

Big Mac: And I'm a wonderful man.

(Scootaloo and Twist play. Scootaloo is reaching up into the freezer to find something.)

Scootaloo: Aw, I don't feel them.

Twist: You said there'd be fudgicles, Scootaloo. Where's the fudgicles?

Scootaloo: First, it's fudgesicle. And I know they're up here. I just need a better foothold. (he opens the vegetable crisper and sees Big Mac's gun) Hello!

(Scootaloo points a gun at Twist, who has an apple in her mouth.)

Scootaloo: And the next marksman is... William Tell Junior!

Twist: Jinx!

(Big Mac and Granny Smith walk in.)

Granny Smith: Scootaloo!.

Big Mac: Oh, I see Scootaloo gets to have a gun.

Granny Smith: You lied to me! You promised to get rid of this gun!

Big Mac: I put it in a safe place, Granny! I mean, what are the odds the boy would look in the vegetable crisper?

Granny Smith: How could you? Of all the terrible things you've ever done in your life, this is the worst, the most despicable!

Big Mac: But Granny, I swear to you, I never thought you'd find out!

Granny Smith: Mmm... Until you decide what's more important, your gun, or your family, we can't live in the same house. Come on, Girls.

Big Mac: So this is the thanks I get for protecting my family? Then go. I'll be just fine. (aside, to Twist with an apple on her mouth) Do you know how to cook dinner?

Twist: Do I?!

(She opens a cupboard and pulls pots and pans out.)

ACT THREE
(Granny Smith and the Girls arrive at Spinster City Apartments, where Cherry Crash and Blueberry Cake reside. Cherry Crash answers.)

Granny Smith: I've left my grandchild!

Cherry Crash: Thank God.

Granny Smith: So we need a place to spend the night.

Cherry Crash: Try the Canterlot motel. I woke up there once. It seemed nice.

Granny Smith: Why can't we stay here?

Cherry Crash: Uh, we have a gentleman caller.

TV Repain Man: Hey, this TV's not broken, it's just unplugged. What the--

(The door slams shut.)

(Back at home, Big Mac prepares for his NRA meeting.)

Big Mac: Ooh, the gun club's gonna be here any minute! (the doorbell rings) Oh! They're here. They're here!

Flash Sentry: Hiya, Mac. I brung ya a big bag of irregular Oreos. (picks one) I don't see what's wrong with this one. (eats it) Oh.

(Granny Smith and their grandchilds arrive at the Canterlot motel. Some of the letters on the neon sign burn out, leaving "Sleazy motel" lit up. They walk pas some prostitutes.)

Prostitute: Looking for a good time, sailor?

Scootaloo: I certainly am!

Granny Smith: (drags her inside) No you're not! (puts her head back round the door) She's really not.

(Back at the NRA meeting.)

Flash Sentry: And that's how, with a few minor adjustments, you can turn a regular gun into five guns.

Big Mac: Here's some more chocolate curls, gun buddies.

(Big Mac holds a can of beer, and shoots the top off, opening it.)

Big Mac: Anyone else want a beer?

Nurse Redheart: Mac! You use your gun as a can opener?

Big Mac: I use it for everything! Watch me turn on the TV.

(Big Mac fires several shots at the TV. When he eventually turns it on, the picture simulates a man having just been shot.)

Old Woman: I've never seen such recklessness!

Lyra Heartstrings: You mighta hurt someone!

Hillbilly: Are you some kind of moron?

Big Mac: Yeah, but--

Clown: Hey, yutz! Guns aren't toys. They're for family protection, hunting dangerous or delicious animals, and keeping the King of England out of your face.

Flash Sentry: Your membership card, please, Jerk. (he tears up Big Mac's card)

Big Mac: Oh...

Flash Sentry: I'll also need to remove your tattoo (holds up a cheese grater)

Big Mac: I didn't get one yet!

Flash Sentry: Rats.

Nurse Redheart: Now, since you're no longer a member, please go outside until the meeting is over. (he chuckles)

(Granny Smith and their grandchilds try to find their room at the motel. They pass a pool.)

Scootaloo: Hey, we got a pool!

Applebloom: Can we go swimming, Granny?

(A man is fishing a dead body out of the pool.)

Granny Smith: Not right now, dear.

(They enter the room.)

Scootaloo: Wow! The TV's coin operated!

Applejack: And so is the Bible!

(It shuts on her. Scootaloo picks up the phone.)

Scootaloo: I'd like to order a wake up call please. 3 a.m. For every room except this one. That's right. Goodnight! (she puts the phone down, and chuckles) Always love trying out new material on the road.

(As Granny Smith stares out of the window in despondency, Scootaloo, Applejack and Applebloom racevibrating beds.)

Scootaloo: No way are you gonna beat me, this time, bloom.

Applebloom: (voice shaking) Yes I am! Come on, spotty!

Scootaloo: (voice shaking) Come on, smelly!

Applejack: (voice shaking) I'm Gonna Win!

(Back at home, Big Mac turns all the lights off by shooting the bulbs out.)

Big Mac: Oh, this gun cost me everything - my grandmother, my kids... everything but my precious, precious gun. (he shoots out the last light) This stinks. I want my family back!

(At the motel, the childs are in bed.)

Scootaloo: Hey, is that a camera in the ceiling?

Voice: No. Go back to sleep.

Applebloom: Granny! This bed is making me nauseous! Why won't it stop?

Granny Smith: Honey, it'll be morning soon, try to get some sleep.

(The door suddenly opens. Granny Smith holds up a piece of wood to defend herself. Mayor Mare and a man stand at the door.)

Mayor Mare: Oh, uh, I'm sorry. Are you planning to stay the whole night?

Granny Smith: Yes!

Mayor Mare: All right. (starts to leave) Vote Mayor Mare!

(Big Mac arrives at the motel. He checks several rooms.)

Big Mac: Granny? (a man grumbles) Sorry. Granny? (a woman screams) Sorry. Granny?

Mayor Mare: Vote Mayor Mare!.

Big Mac: Sorry.

(Granny Smith calls to him from the other end of the motel.)

Granny Smith: Big Macintosh!.

Big Mac: Oh, Granny! There's so many things I wanna yell to you!

Granny Smith: Come down here!!

Big Mac: Okay!!

(They talk in the motel room.)

Big Mac: Oh, Granny, please come home. I need you! It's dark in the house and I'm hungry and lonesome, and there's no one there to hear my various witty remarks!

Granny Smith: What about the gun?

Big Mac: It's gone for good, Granny. I finally realized, what's the point of having a gun for protection, if you've got no one to protect?

Granny Smith: Oh, Bic Mac... (they hug) Come on, kids, we're going home!

(The kids roll past on the vibrating bed.)

Scootaloo, Applejack, and Applebloom: Yay!.

(The family are at the reception desk. Mayor Mare gets some ice from he dispenser.)

Motel Clerk: Okey-doke, here's your bill, and your continental breakfast.

(He puts a fried egg into an envelope, and hands it to them. Suddenly, a Burglar bursts into the room and holds a knife to Mayor Mare's neck.)

Burglar: All right, everybody, hands up! (indicating the clerk) You, give me the cash draw.

Mayor Mare: Do what he says, I'm too rich to die!

(Big Mac pulls out his gun.)

Big Mac: Freeze, bad guy!

(the Burglar drops the knife and Mayor Mare runs out.)

Mayor Mare: Vote Mayor Mare!

Burglar: Okay, man. Don't shoot, chill.

Granny Smith: Big Macintosh!.You said you got rid of the gun! You lied to me - again!

Big Mac: I know I said that. But what I secretly meant was--

Burglar: (grabbing the gun) Yoink! Ho ho! Ha ha ha!

Big Mac: The jokes on you, buddy. There's no bullets in that thing. (he hold up a box) Ha ha!

Burglar: Yo! Give me the bullets!

Big Mac: Okay, don't shoot!

(He hands the Burglar the box. Just then, Flash Sentry, Old Woman, Bon Bon, Lyra, and Nurse Redheart appear in the doorway, pointing guns at the Burglar.)

All: DROP IT!

(The Burglar drops the gun, grabs some money off the clerk and runs off.)

Burglar: Bye!

Granny Smith: How did you know we were being robbed?

Bon Bon: The clerk here pressed the silent alarm and we picked it up on our scanners.

Lyra Heartstrings: Yeah and we come here.

Applebloom: Did anybody stop that robber?

Flash Sentry: No, I don't think so.

(Big Mac picks up the gun.)

Big Mac: I'm sorry I lied to you, Granny. But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun. So please, get rid of it, because I know I'll just lie to you again and again!

(Granny Smith takes the gun, and Big Mac and the kids leave. Granny Smith steps on the pedal of a trash can, but seeing her reflection in the lid, decides she looks cool with the gun. She puts it in her purse and walks out, closing the door behind her.)