Unikitty! X SpongeBob Parody: The Happy Cronicle

[episode begins at the Happy Burger with Unikitty in the kitchen]

Unikitty: Order up! [rings bell 3 times]

Mr. Happy: How's it looking out there, little kitty?

Unikitty: Like two more satisfied regulars, Mr. H.

Mr. Happy: I ain't interested in same old regulars, Unikitty! So I took out an ad in the Unikingdom Examiner to bring in some new customers! Twas a bargain too. [Unikitty takes a magnifying glass and looks at it] Only cost me a nickel. So tell me now, little kitty. How many new customers we got out there so far?

Unikitty: Oooh, let me see there was... none.

Mr. Happy: What?! What do you mean none? Don't these people read the paper? [walks outside to the newspaper carriers, blows on one] Oooh, this thing hasn't been touched in months. [notices the other one, and there is a long line] While that paper's selling like Uniburgers. Uh, pardon me, sir. Could I interest you in a copy of the Examiner, this fine day?

Hobo Citizen: Ha! Nobody reads the Examiner, bud. It's all full of boring charts and facts! [opens newspaper door] The Unikingdom feeder's where it's at! It's got like interesting stories and stuff.

Mr. Happy: [reading the newspaper] "Dirtyboy Strikes Again?" [not reading] Wait a minute, aren't these stories a little less than truthful?

Hobo Citizen: I don't know. But they're selling!

Mr. Happy: Yes, they certainly are. [Really Old Edith puts in coin to get a newspaper] Please, allow me. ''[Mr. Happy opens newspaper door]''

Really Old Edith: Thank you!

Mr. Happy: No, thank you. [closes newspaper door] Now let's see how much they charge for advertising. [screams] 25¢ per word?! The newspaper business sure is easy money! ''[Mr. Happy's body cracks and underneath it is his body, but in money form]'' That gives me an idea! ''[The money falls out of place. Scene cuts to the next day at the Happy Burger as Unikitty walks in.]''

Unikitty: What a fantabulastical day! Eh, Frowny?

Master Frown: Yep, another wonderful humdrum day slinging burgers. [Unikitty walks into the kitchen, but hits her face on something.]

Mr. Happy: Off of your duff, little kitty! You think I spent all last night assembling this printing press, so you could laze around all day? From now on you'll be twice as busy. And I expect you to wear 2 hats. 'Cause along with your usual fry cooking duties, you're my new lead reporter for the new Happy Cronicle! [A press badge on Unikitty is shown]

Unikitty: Oh! My very own press badge!

Mr. Happy: That's right, little kitty! And here's your very own camera! So you'll need it to document all them juicy stories you're gonna write. Now what are you waiting for, Unikitty? [cuts to Unikitty walking down the street]

Unikitty: On the thirst for a juicy story, eh? Hmm, but what kind of story is juicy enough to quench their dry news gullets? I don't even know where to begin to look. [there is a bank robbery going on, two tough man destroying someone's car with fire in the background, and a monster] No news to report here. Stop the presses, it's Puppycorn! And he appears to be waiting for the bus! This is the kind of breaking story my readers are waiting for! [takes a picture of Puppycorn] Prince Puppycorn, I'm Scoop Princess Unikitty from the Happy Cronicle. Everyone's wondering, what bus are you taking today?

Puppycorn: Oh, I'm not taking a bus, Unikitty. I am watching this pole. So the next time it moves, I will see it!

Unikitty: Whoa, this story is juicy! ''[cuts to the Happy Burger where there is a sign that says "The HAPPY CRONICLE" on it. Unikitty is writing on the typewriter, then puts it in a pile of papers, then finished the headline for the paper, then puts it in the printing press. Mr. Happy walks in]''

Mr. Happy: What a money-tastical day! Eh, Mr. Frown?

Master Frown: Yeah, I'm just breaking it in.

Mr. Happy: I'm excited about all the newspaper sales, too. 

Master Frown: We haven't sold any papers today. [as Unikitty drives a wheelbarrow of newspapers]

Mr. Happy: What do you mean we haven't sold any newspapers? Certainly this gentlemen would like a copy of the Happy Cronicle.

Hippie Citizen: Looks boring. Can I just have a Uniburger?

Mr. Happy: Too boring? [looks at paper] Unikitty! [The HAPPY CRONICLE sign on the Happy Burger shakes] What's the meaning of this?!

Unikitty: Meaning of what, Mr. Happy?

Mr. Happy: "Local Resident Watches Pole?" No one's gonna pay to read this malarkey! When you write these stories, you've gotta use a little imagination, little kitty.

Unikitty: Imagination!

Mr. Happy: Yeah. Maybe instead of "Man Watches Pole," you could say something like... oh... "Man Marries Pole." Then you can alter the photo a little to fit the headline and, see? ''[Mr. Happy modified it to look like what he said]'' Now that's a juicy story!

Unikitty: But Mr. Happy, isn't that lying?

Mr. Happy: Don't think of it as lying, little kitty. Think of it as... uh... a practical joke. You know. Something everybody can have a good laugh about. The public expects a little embellishment here and there, so I want you to go out there, and get me a lead story that'll sell! ''[cuts to an intersection, and Unikitty is hiding behind a trash can. Stephanie pulls up, and then a Action Police pulls up behind here. Unikitty takes a picture, and both of them look around]''

Unikitty: Stephanie is going to laugh her hat off when she reads this! [cuts to a newspaper that says "Driving Test Teacher in High Speed Chase"]

Mr. Happy: "Driving Test Teacher in High Speed Chase!" I think you finally done it, little kitty! You've given me a story that'll sell! And sell it has! [everyone has a copy of the newspaper, and Master Frown hands Green Dad a copy]

Unikitty: Yeah, but that isn't the story I wrote.

Mr. Happy: That's called editorial privilege, little kitty. It gives you that extra oomph to move units. Besides, how could such a little news story possibly affect Stephanie in any way? [cuts to Stephanie's Driving School]

Stephanie: I can't believe such a little news story could have ruined my business! [cuts to Unikitty hiding in a chimney, looking through binoculars]

Unikitty: Let's see what there is to see. Wait a minute. Hawkodile. Hmm, wonder what kind of dirt he has under those muscles. [goes in the chimney, then hides behind a dumpster] Uh-huh, this looks shady, very shady. [Hawkodile walks up to Theodore]

Theodore: Hawkodile, hey, tough guy? Can I punch you in the gut?

Hawkodile: Sure. Everybody does. It won't hurt me a bit. [Theodore punches him, and Unikitty takes a picture, then one of him putting his arms on his chest, then Hawkodile laughs] Told you it wouldn't hurt.

Theodore: Thanks, big guy.

Hawkodile: See ya round.

Unikitty: [writes on paper] Very interesting... [cuts to a gym, and the teacher is pushing Hawkodile out]

Gym Teacher: Out! Out! Out!

Hawkodile: Hey, what's the big idea?

Gym Teacher: This! [hands him the newspaper]

Hawkodile: [reading] "Hawkodile the Loser Gets Beaten Up by Pipsqueak?" [tries to explain to his teacher] But, but, but..

Gym Teacher: [rudely interupts] No buts! I can't have a wimp like you destroying my gym's reputation! You're banned forever! [throws him out, then Unikitty walks up]

Unikitty: Hello, Hawkodile.

Hawkodile: Not now, Unikitty. Let me take in the fact that my life is ruined!

Unikitty: Ruined? What are you talking about?

Hawkodile: These lies someone wrote about me. ''[shows her the paper, and Unikitty gasps. Scene cuts to the Happy Burger]''

Mr. Happy: Thanks for your business, and here's your paper. [hands Dainty the paper]

Unikitty: Mr. Happy, can I have a word with you?

Mr. Happy: Make it quick, Unikitty. These papers are selling faster then we can print 'em!

Unikitty: That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about, sir. I don't think these stories are doing anyone any good.

Mr. Happy: Well, they're certainly doing me some good. [shows her his office, where there is a lot of money] Can you believe it? Look at all this loot! [sits in a pile of money]

Unikitty: Yeah, but isn't there a way we could write juicy stories without hurting people?

Mr. Happy: Ah, you just don't get it, do you little kitty? We're not hurting anyone. We're just making their lives interesting for everybody else. [pushes Unikitty out] Now get out there and fetch another story! [cuts to the Bacteria Palace, and Julius Bacteria walks out of the kitchen with a Meat Stick]

Julius Bacteria: Oh, Belinda! I think this is it! The Meat Stick that's finally gonna drive Mr. Happy out of business!

Health Inspector: I think not. I'm Health Inspector Stevens. I'm officially closing down your restaurant for good.

Julius Bacteria: Why? I haven't done anything.

Health Inspector: [flatly chuckling] That's not what this says. [shows Julius the paper]

Julius Bacteria: [reading] "Julius' Meat Made of Your People? The Bacteria Palace serves your friends in more ways than one?" [not reading] What?! [The Health inspector locks up the Bacteria Palace with it's restaurant name removed and a poster saying "NOW LEASING"] Who's to blame for this? Who?! [Unikitty is watching, and then walks away, scene then cuts to a long line, and Mr. Happy is in his office with more money]

Mr. Happy: You're reaching new levels of imagination, oh yeah!

Unikitty: Yeah, I... I know.

Mr. Happy: What's wrong, little kitty? You sick or something?

Unikitty: Yes, Mr. Happy, you could say that.

Mr. Happy: Don't be silly, little kitty! We're a success!

Unikitty: Mr. Happy, we're hurting people!

Mr. Happy: Oh, baloney! You better start feeling right! 'Cause if you don't, you can just kiss your spatula goodbye!

Unikitty: Mr. Happy, you wouldn't!

Mr. Happy: Oh, yes I would! Now get out there, and bring me a juicy one!

Unikitty: [sadly] Yes, sir. [cuts to Dr. Fox's Laboratory, where Dr. Fox is doing a series of experiments, then she notices two Science Police carrying a box with awards in it]

Dr. Fox: Sorry, fellers, this is a private laboratory.

Science Police 1: I had no idea the nerdy fox talked. Don't worry, we're from the Nuclear Science Committee, and we've come to confiscate all your science awards. Haven't you read today's headlines? [holds up newspaper]

Science Police 2: It can't even read. Why are you--?

Dr. Fox: Oh, gimme that! [reading] "Dr. Fox or Dr. Freak? Wacky crazed brainiac really a slow-witted fox, by... Princess Unikitty?" [throws the paper down] Unikitty thinks she can do that to me?! I thought she was my friend! She's gonna pay for this!

Science Police 1: Oh boy... We better scram! The dumb ones are always the most violent! [the two scientists run away while Dr. Fox is growling popping out angry sparkle matter, cut to Richard in the street]

Nostromoo: Look mom! It's the Boring Guy in the newspaper.

Green Mom: Don't look at him honey. he could ruin our fun.

Richard: [confused] Huh? [Really Old Edith, Diane, Octokite and Ted Butter is waiting on a bus stop, as Richard flies by]

Really Old Edith: Hey guys look, it's the Boring Guy.

Diane: Yeah, get away from us Boring Guy!

Richard: But what have i done? [cut to the downtown]

Batty: Hey everybody look, it's the Boring Guy! [the crowd boos at Richard]

Gizmo: Get away!

FeeBee: Boo! killjoy!

Rascal: Fun ruiner!

Toaster: You're the worst!

Toast: Yeah!

Richard: What's going on?

Dino Dude: It's all in the newspaper.

Richard: What? Let me read that. [takes the newspaper from Dino Dude and reads it] "Richard The Boring Guy, Is boring and bossy. That makes everyone sleep by his speeches?" [everyone walks away from Richard] Who is the responsible for writing this lie to me?! WHO?! [Unikitty watches then sighs and flies away, the scene cuts to the the Happy Burger, where there is a huge line, and a sign that says over 5 billion copies sold, and Mr. Happy has even more money, and is in his office with Unikitty, and is laughing]

Mr. Happy: You've really outdone yourself this time! [his eyes water up, at Unikitty, and she looks even more guilty]

Unikitty: Mr. Happy, I can't write these stories anymore.

Mr. Happy: Come on, that's a bunch of hooey!

Unikitty: I've seen people's lives ruined with my own eyes!

Mr. Happy: People want wild juicy stories! That's what sells! Now I want your little pink noggin to come up with the wildest story ever! One that'll top all the others!

Unikitty: Gee, Mr. Happy, I've written about everybody in town. Any ideas, sir?

Mr. Happy: Surprise me! Give me a shocker! [throws her in her chair] Good night, little kitty. I'll check on you tomorrow morning. And remember, the wildest story ever! [leaves]

Unikitty: Oh, the wildest story ever, huh? [starts writing/typing, then cuts to the next day where the paper's are being printed, and Mr. Happy runs in]

Mr. Happy: How's it going, Unikitty? [Unikitty turns around, and she is very tired]

Unikitty: Ah, it's a surprise.

Mr. Happy: Excellent! We're gonna sell out in no time! We'll have to do another printing. [runs outside and there is an angry mob] Huh?

Green Mom: You are a taskmaster!

Green Dad: You are a liar!

Squarebear: You are a fraud!

Burger Person: You're also a Hoax News Man!

Richard: (angrily) You're gonna pay for what did you just did!

Mr. Happy: What's going on?

Green Mom: You know very well what's going on! [shows him the newspaper]

Mr. Happy: [reading] "Mr. Happy Overworks Employees? Reaps Reward? Happy Cronicle mastermind behind bogus stories pays his tired, employee princess reporter pennies while she rakes in the dough?!"

Green Mom: How could you do that to such a princess?! it is so sick and inumane!

Craig: How dare you do this to Unikitty!

Beau: He, overworked Unikitty! Mr. Happy had not right to do that! his behavior towards Unikitty is putrid!

Dr. Fox: Not to mention the fact that he's written lies about us!

Julius Bacteria: I lost my restaurant because of you! And I thought I was evil.

Hawkodile: All the kids in town want to beat me up for lunch money! [cries]

Stephanie: And I've had to go back to watching... daytime television!

Richard: And everyone things i am boring!

Green Mom: Oh, that's it! We're gonna take our money back! [to the mob] Hey everyone, let's go ahead and then we will take all our money back from him!

Everyone: Yeah!

[everyone runs in and begins storming in the kitchen]

Mr. Happy: [screaming as everyone storms in the kitchen] '''AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! STOP IT!!! HAVE MERCY!!!'''

''[Once everyone has finally done, they take all their money back. Once Mr. Happy lies in the floor, he starts crying when he finds out all his money is gone. A few minutes later, Unikitty arrives.]''

Unikitty: What's wrong, Mr. Happy? Are you okay?

Mr. Happy: [still sobbing] YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG, UNIKITTY! And how can I be okay when me money's gone?! IT'S ALL GONE! It just goes to show and that is trying to make an easy buck doesn't pay. [notices the printing press, finishes crying, and cheers up] Or does it? [puts a dollar in the printing press, and turns it on, which makes sheets of paper with just pictures of money] Get me some scissors, Unikitty! It's time to use my imagination!

Puppycorn: [while wearing fancy clothes] Hey, guys. Could you fix me and the wife up a couple of Uniburgers? ''[Puppycorn's "wife," is the pole as described in the newspaper earlier. Unikitty and Mr. Happy are shocked, as the episode is now over]''